So this week has been pretty off, but thankfully I didn't have too much time to think about it because I was basically working the entire time. But since it is the weekend, and I have not made friends yet, I'm lost in the thoughts. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm good, that I have a lot more than what most people have, and I shouldn't be complaining. But I'm also human, and my experience is relative only to me. A few things I've thought about this week, some from self reflection, some from interacting with others:
1. Interacting with others: Don't tell people anything, at all, about what your job pays you even if they ask. And if you can't avoid it, just keep it as vague as possible. People have been absolutely fake to my face to get me to give them money (which I haven't done because I can read through most bullshit), and people have been downright passive aggressive about their thoughts on me getting a likely salary hike. Note: the people I am referring to do not know my comp, just that I'm making more. I was telling a friend that I was buying a new camera to start shooting in 4K, and he asked how much I was paying for it, and his response was "How long does it even take you to make that?? A lunch break??" I was like...uh... not sure where that came from...I was kind of offended because a) he doesn't know what I make, and b) I'm somehow now defined by my salary. Like why can't I just want to buy the camera because I want to expand my creative horizons? Which is something I've always done? Suddenly it's a money thing? Another time, my dad's friend asked for a donation for a cricket team he's starting, and once again, he assumed my salary and said that if I didn't donate at least $X, that he's going to think very lowly of me. And that he bragged to everyone in Bangladesh that (insert dad's name)'s son is making so and so, and that if I don't donate $X, it'll make my father look bad. Okay, who the fuck gave you the right to tell people about anything that I am doing? We are not family, we are not even friends. What gives you any right at all to guilt me into doing something, and holding my dad's name hostage in the process? Guess what? I'm not giving you shit, you can think however poorly you want of me, I don't give a fuck.
2. Personal reflection: I think I was an asshole in my last relationship, not just the one time I had chronicled in earlier posts, but other times too. I think I was bothered by her not wanting to split the bill at restaurants, so sometimes I'd say "hey babe, you got this?" while knowing that I was actually not going to let her pay. For some stupid reason, I felt the reason to remind her that I was paying. What the fuck was that dude? Get over yourself. Jesus. Sometimes I said things way out of line without realizing that they were mean, like the one time I said wrinkles just happen as you get older. Or that she looked like some celebrity on our first fucking date. Like I am so stupid. I cringe thinking about that now, so hard. It's no wonder she left you. I've been thinking a lot about the relationship recently, coincidentally as Valentine's Day just passed too, and I think I was a little blind to all the shitty stuff I actually did to her. She was not the type of person to bring things up, so if she felt the need to break up with me, she was probably thinking of it for a while, because I probably kept being that asshole to her. I definitely could have been a better boyfriend on many respects then. I hope she is happy, because she deserves better.
3. Interacting with others: this is the opposite of 1)...people will talk shit about you no matter what, and even more so as you continue to climb. I think the term is "haters." And I used to think it was just a funny phrase coined by the hip hop community and adopted by the youth of society. But seriously...haters are real and they fucking suck. And you never know who it is. Sometimes, those that smiling at you are the ones stabbing you in the back. I was told that people think I'm a piece of shit who likes to take away from others to make myself feel good about myself. Wait, what? When have I ever fucking done that? I literally try to help anyone that I can when they need it, if I have the time. I don't mind providing guidance or connections to help people reach their goals. I love that. I didn't get to where I am now without help, and I want to be that helping hand back. And you know what, I get really happy when people take big steps of success in their lives? I really do! Also, why the FUCK do I need to validate my life? I know what I've gone through, I know what I have now. If I need to make myself feel better, I can just think back to when I was skipping meals and running out of gas on the highways after getting kicked out. That's it. And you know what, that's exactly what I do. I don't sit here and think, well he or she doesn't have this, so that must mean I'm a badass. No, I don't fucking do that. In fact, I actively monitor my words and thoughts to make sure I don't say that. The only solution is to laugh it off, and learn the lesson that if you believe in your own purpose, what anyone else says is irrelevant. Yes, I was upset about it, but it's fine to sit back and let that emotion teach me something.
4. Personal reflection: I feel really isolated out here, but I hope that changes as it starts to get warmer and I can go out and do things. I think this is slightly less intense of a feeling than the others, but it is there. Just felt it was good documenting this, in case I ever to make a big life change again at some point in the future.
This week wasn't all bad by the way. Work was fantastic, and I'm also doing something I've been dreaming of doing for a very long time: I'M GOING TO EUROPE! I booked a two week trip for the end of March to celebrate my birthday, and just...live. As of now, it's just me, but I don't imagine this will change. This is not work related at all, and my boss was more than happy to give me the okay to go. He better be, I've been busting ass for him haha. I'm super stoked about it. I'll be starting and ending in Norway, and I really cannot wait to climb some of the mountains there. I can't wait to see what Switzerland has to offer, and hopefully will be able to hit Italy, France and the UK as well. I've literally been dreaming of this for years, and I finally pulled the trigger. I said I'd go to Banff in an earlier post, but I decided to just go big or go home. Last year's New Year's resolution was to visit 5 countries, and I was able to visit 2. This year, I had the same resolution, and will visit 5 countries for SURE. Maybe I'll do Banff over a weekend in the summer!
Well, I'm already feeling better after getting all that out. As I said, sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm alright, and writing helps do that. I should get some sleep now.
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