Tough Last Few Months

This is going to be one of the less positive toned ones that I've written. I need to do this as therapy - I've been unfocused for a little while and I just really don't know what it is. I can't shake the feeling of it, and I need to get over the hump and into a better head space. For the last few months, I've been unenthusiastic, not enjoying my work, and just overall not driven or motivated. It's not a completely new change for me, but it's been something that I thought I would shake off before, but it hasn't gone away. 

One of the biggest changes that's happened over the last few months is that Oliver was diagnosed with diabetes. It's been such a challenging last few months with trying to get his dosing figured out correctly. We're literally doing anything that we can to make sure that he's properly taken care of, but it's been very difficult. He's inconsistent with his eating, inconsistent with how he reacts to insulin, and just overall inconsistent altogether. It's taken a toll on me - I love the little guy more than anything, like he's my child, so this is naturally so difficult. He brings so much joy into my life, and the fact that I can't makes me so sad. I'm optimistic that we'll get it figured out, but I have to somehow stay sane doing it. I'm constantly checking his blood glucose monitor to make sure that he's in the right range, but it's very difficult. And again, just taken such a mental toll on me, and it is impacting everything that I do.

Another thing that's been bothering me on and off - I feel that the house has kind of enslaved me. I have to work for the mortgage now and can't readily just take time off and go do other stuff or have fun. This is compounded by the fact that I don't really enjoy my job as much, but I think that's partly my fault. I have not made the kind of money that I've come to expect from the job. It's been tough in that sense - all my peers are moving up and making fantastic money and I'm just here making pennies in comparison. I will say that this is kind of coming from a place of privilege. I am doing amazing - there's nothing wrong with my situation in life. But I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others and it's tough to justify some of the things in my life. But there are other benefits to being at RK Capital - for example getting bonuses 2x a year. That's super helpful. 

One of the other things that I don't like about my life is that I feel like I'm stagnating in some senses. I don't operate with the same level of intensity that I did before, and that's just not good. I need to develop better discipline, better mental stamina, etc - and I think I need to do it soon. It's just not great.

The thing about success - it's a product of time and consistency. I just need to make sure I am continuing to progress. Whether that's in my job or whatever else I can imagine. I remember that I used to be so motivated and driven when I was in my early 20's, and up until recently I totally felt that way. The pursuit of what I wanted was always there and I just felt like with my recent promotion, that maybe I've reached the peak of my career - and that is scary becase I am literally 31. What else am I working for? 

The thing I need to learn to do - I need to figure out how to get the motivation back to being the best at whatever it is I am doing. I need to be the absolute best first Analyst promote at RK Capital. And to do that, I need to build a roadmap - these are the stocks I want to be actionable on no matter what. Build a portfolio of all these stocks somehow. And bucket myself in that way. Stocks will either go up or down (yes they stay flat sometimes too), but this is going to be the best way that I play this. There needs to be a bunch of good small cap ideas out there I can tackle. 

I am getting down to the wire, and this entry was more of a classic entry - a stream of consciousness that was more like word vomit than actual substance. But that's okay, sometimes that's what I need to start the process of grounding myself. And that's exactly what I need right now. A way to ground myself, and find myself again. I got lost in the process somewhere, but it doesn't have to be that way and I am trying to do anything that I can to get out of that slump. I believe it will happen, just takes some time. 

I can't lose faith, I can't lose hope. I am a good person. I've done the right things. I've made the right investments. I need to think less and do more. I need to just execute. There's only so much time in the day that I can dedicate to thinking. I need to dedicate more time to actually doing and that's what I am going to commit to. 

Also I need to find some time to get back to the gym. I think that if I am more disciplined about when I get to bed and when I wake up, I can make it happen. I just need to commit. And in 2024, maybe that's the goal. I have to know myself. I won't operate well with anything less than 8 hours of sleep. But Oliver's condition has made it so much more difficult to get that done. I constantly wake up to make sure that he's not going low. I feel like I have to do it at night, or some time in the middle of the day - and during the week? 

I have to make some time for sure. It's not good that I am not working out, and I think that's led to a of this mental anguish. I will try to sit down and have a goal setting hour after I get home. Think it's necessary to hit the targets and just keep moving forward. It's time I got over this hump.