My First Post!

So, I have really no idea what to write on this first post. I feel like most people would just introduce themselves and say something about their lives and whatnot. But since this blog is for me, I already know who I am and what I’m doing with my life (this is partially a lie…the what I’m doing with my life part. After 21 years, I hope to have some sense of who I am. I’ll explain later).

Or I’ll just explain it now.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life.

I mean, I’m almost done college and I’ll be getting my Bachelors of Science degree, with Biology being my major. But, as I look back on the last 3 years, I sometimes can’t figure out why I’ve walked this path, or why I let so many outside factors influence my decision.

Since April, I have been taking an online MCAT course in the hopes that it’ll improve my chances of doing well on the MCAT so I can get into medical school and become a doctor. That sounds awesome doesn’t it? Ask most people in medical school today why they are putting in all the hours of study and sleeplessness, and their answer will probably be something along the lines of: “I am really passionate about the idea of ending the physical suffering of my fellow human beings.” Hence, becoming a doctor would be the most logical thing to do, one would say. However, I want to put some emphasis on the word “passionate.” Sure, everyone with half a heart would want to end the suffering of any human being. But what makes a doctor, a doctor? It’s that passion, the fire that burns within them, the extra push they need in order to study for those exams, deal with those sleepless nights, and watch their social life die. 

Why do I say this?

I don’t have the passion for medicine. I just don’t. I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t want to become a doctor, and I never did. The hours scare me, the fact that I’ll be going to school for so long scares me, and the fact that I would rather do a few other things than become a doctor scares me.

But you may ask, why did I start this journey in the first place? Because I’m an idiot and I let what my family believed influence me. In high school, I really applied to colleges based on the fact that my entire family wanted me to be a doctor. If you asked me, I wanted to be an Aerospace Engineer.

It is my great misfortune to be born into a family where my father was a doctor. He was very well-respected in Bangladesh, and people always came to him when they needed treatment. I mean always. I can’t go to Bangladesh without the entire town recognizing him, and them marveling at the fact that I’m his son. I didn’t know any one of these people. Naturally, everyone expected me to follow in the footsteps of my father, to become a better doctor than him. But they never really asked if that was what I wanted. 

So in high school, after I got my acceptance letters back, I decided to go to the college close to home. The one that gave me the most scholarship money, and I ended up not having to pay a penny for going to school the next three years, granted that I kept my grades up. 

Which I have.

But the major downfall of this story is that I made the mistake of doing what my parents wanted me to do. They wanted me to become a doctor for so long. They always wished that I would be grow up and be someone that made a difference in the world, and to them that meant being the best possible doctor I can be.

And mind you, a physician was the only profession that was worthy to them. They shot down the idea of engineering, saying I’ll be stuck making a five-figure salary.

Let me make one thing clear before we go on. I realize money is important in life. I realize you need to be financially stable to function as a productive member of society. But let me make this clear, money isn’t my main motivator for anything. I was never about working to make money.

I always wanted to do something I would truly enjoy and have the motivation to pursue. I wanted to do something I was passionate about. And I love working with my hands, and learning how things work. That’s why I knew that Aerospace Engineering would be a good field for me. And it’s not like the salary for an Aerospace Engineer is shit. They have respectable salaries. They live comfortable lives. So that seemed perfect to me.

But, that didn’t work out.

So that’s why I’m sitting here, writing this blog. I’m scared of what’s going to happen with me. And no matter how much pressure my parents have put on me to follow this path, I owe all of how I feel to myself. I let myself get pushed around by them. I let myself listen to them and not do what I wanted to do. I let myself stay home for college, and I am on their chain constantly.

But I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I guess it’s become so critical because the MCAT is on July 13^th, and I don’t feel prepared for it at all. I’ve been studying and everything for the past month, but I just don’t want to go through with this. I get anxious every time I think about it. There is so much one has to be willing to sacrifice for medicine. I swear to god, I’m not ready to sacrifice it. I’m just not. It’s not who I am.

I want an outlet. I want a way to get out of this system. I want a way to show them that I can be successful without being a doctor. But a huge part of me feels like it’s too late. I’ve wasted all these years doing this, why turn back now? And the thought of how disappointed my hardworking mother and father will be…it just kills me sometimes. I love them to death. I want to make them happy. But sometimes, I want to make me happy too. And on days like today, that seems way more important. On days like today, where I read a lot about how hard work and perseverance leads to success, I realize that I don’t want to work hard for something I don’t really want from the inside. It’s just not right.

I’ll keep updating this from time to time. It’s for me, but if you’re one of the unlucky ones that stumble upon this, hello there. Maybe you can offer me some advice?