Today is one of those days where I know everyone hates me. Everyone who I truly care about says that they are sick of me, that I am some kind of mistake to their lives, that it was better if I just never existed in the first place.
And today, after such a long time, I agree with them. I wish I didn't exist at the moment.
I really can't make anyone happy with anything that I do. If I go one way, someone is unhappy. If I go another way, someone else is unhappy. And in the midst of it all, what it comes down to is that the people I care about most in my life today will never be happy with the things I do, no matter what that is.
I spent my life living under people's expectations of doing something great. I was always that kid who was going to grow up and become a great doctor. And that's been drilled into my head since I was old enough to write with my own hands. They always seemed so happy when they said it, and they were so thrilled at their hopes of me making it in medicine. And maybe that's why I was silent for so long. I thought that if I could keep everyone happy around me, I'll always be happy. I thought that if I don't disappoint the people I care most about, I'll always be okay.
Then I woke up, and realized I need to do what makes ME happy.
I pushed my dreams forward and everything feels like it will crumble underneath my feet. I know what I want out of life, and this is what I get. When will someone care about what it is that I want? Huh? It's getting fucking ridiculous, and I'm getting fucking tired of trying to succeed at the impossible task of making everyone happy. I wish I left this house when I was in high school. I wish I went elsewhere, and so many things could be avoided right now. I made that stupid mistake and now I am paying for it in so many ways.
At the end of the day, all I am left with are expectations that I fail to meet.
Success doesn't come without failure and failure has many features; of course there's going to be road blocks to your dreams[or else there's no fun in achieving it ;)] This just happens to be one of the road blocks, you can't make everyone happy. But hey, at the end of the day if you're not happy then whats the point right? Don't base yourself on the expectations of others, base yourself off of what you know and your own beliefs. If people truly care about you, they will understand, if they don't...well some people are meant to be forgotten. Look at all the people you've helped and touched, if you didn't exist then where would they be? I certainly know if you didn't exist then i'd be stripped of amazing summer vacations and a big brother. Meet your own expectations, keep your head up, and remember sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay happy. Also, I don't hate you SO YOU'RE WRONG SAAAR...
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