Lost.
That's how I feel right now. That's where I am at right now. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because, simply, no one cares. I think it's about time I really put this out on paper and clear my head.
Today, I got news that my grandfather has passed away.
I was on the way to work, and I couldn't believe the text from my dad. We aren't on very good terms, and the fact that he was texting me was something out of the ordinary. The only other times that he has texted me before this was to ask for the car insurance money. I can't imagine how my mom was feeling, and when I called her, I heard exactly what I expected. She was a wreck.
I talked to my sister and told her to make sure that Mom was okay until I was able to go there from work. At work, I did my best not to tear up, and I did well for the most part. I can't imagine how she feels, because she left her family and parents for me and my sister. She left to provide the best possible life for her kids in America. She wanted to see us grow up to get an education and become something great in life. I thought about the sacrifices that she has made, and it greatly saddened me.
It did not help that I was reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom either. It was a sad story and it really got me thinking.
I cried at the end of the work day. I just couldn't hold it back. I loved my grandfather and I remember being close to him when he lived with us. He would ask me about school and tell me to sit with him and stuff. He loved me. My mom told me a story today about when I was first born. I was not able to pee for two days, and so my grandfather went out and found a doctor to give me some homeopathic medicine, and I was able to pee after that. It put a huge smile on his face. My mother said he felt alive for the sheer fact that I was on my way to being healthy, because there was a slight scare that I would die.
Why am I lost? Because...it really feels like no one wants me around anymore. Anywhere I look for a smile, no one gives it. Not my parents, not my sister, and not even the girl that's most important in my life. I look back on the choices I've made and try to piece together where I went wrong. There are so many things that I did for my happiness, and I just end up wondering why I'm not happy.
It feels like no matter what I do for anyone, everyone is oblivious to it. I know not many people read this, but it's so hard to keep my head up these days. I'm fighting the oncoming depression, I really am. I'm scared for how hard it will hit because I seem to be pushing away my emotions. And then, one day, everything will fall on my head. I fear that I will crash and burn, and sometimes I think of just offing myself to avoid it. I think that there's no point of going on if I've truly fucked things up this bad. I am a human being. I just lost my beloved grandfather.
I wish people would treat me as such. I can't even begin to express how much pain there is inside me. The pain that I don't talk about to anyone. I don't even put it all on here. The amount of times I want to speed into a pole when I'm driving is probably not acceptable, if there was an acceptable number for that. I am really trying to keep going, on my own terms, and trying to be independent. I keep busy so I don't have to think about things.
I really want to earn my CFA designation...but with every wind going against me, it seems like a far away task that I might not be around to take part in.
That's how I feel right now. That's where I am at right now. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because, simply, no one cares. I think it's about time I really put this out on paper and clear my head.
Today, I got news that my grandfather has passed away.
I was on the way to work, and I couldn't believe the text from my dad. We aren't on very good terms, and the fact that he was texting me was something out of the ordinary. The only other times that he has texted me before this was to ask for the car insurance money. I can't imagine how my mom was feeling, and when I called her, I heard exactly what I expected. She was a wreck.
I talked to my sister and told her to make sure that Mom was okay until I was able to go there from work. At work, I did my best not to tear up, and I did well for the most part. I can't imagine how she feels, because she left her family and parents for me and my sister. She left to provide the best possible life for her kids in America. She wanted to see us grow up to get an education and become something great in life. I thought about the sacrifices that she has made, and it greatly saddened me.
It did not help that I was reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom either. It was a sad story and it really got me thinking.
I cried at the end of the work day. I just couldn't hold it back. I loved my grandfather and I remember being close to him when he lived with us. He would ask me about school and tell me to sit with him and stuff. He loved me. My mom told me a story today about when I was first born. I was not able to pee for two days, and so my grandfather went out and found a doctor to give me some homeopathic medicine, and I was able to pee after that. It put a huge smile on his face. My mother said he felt alive for the sheer fact that I was on my way to being healthy, because there was a slight scare that I would die.
Why am I lost? Because...it really feels like no one wants me around anymore. Anywhere I look for a smile, no one gives it. Not my parents, not my sister, and not even the girl that's most important in my life. I look back on the choices I've made and try to piece together where I went wrong. There are so many things that I did for my happiness, and I just end up wondering why I'm not happy.
It feels like no matter what I do for anyone, everyone is oblivious to it. I know not many people read this, but it's so hard to keep my head up these days. I'm fighting the oncoming depression, I really am. I'm scared for how hard it will hit because I seem to be pushing away my emotions. And then, one day, everything will fall on my head. I fear that I will crash and burn, and sometimes I think of just offing myself to avoid it. I think that there's no point of going on if I've truly fucked things up this bad. I am a human being. I just lost my beloved grandfather.
I wish people would treat me as such. I can't even begin to express how much pain there is inside me. The pain that I don't talk about to anyone. I don't even put it all on here. The amount of times I want to speed into a pole when I'm driving is probably not acceptable, if there was an acceptable number for that. I am really trying to keep going, on my own terms, and trying to be independent. I keep busy so I don't have to think about things.
I really want to earn my CFA designation...but with every wind going against me, it seems like a far away task that I might not be around to take part in.
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