Where Were You When My Walls Came Crashing Down?

It has become a sort of rare thing for me to write in this blog, but for some reason I can’t sleep and just wanted to write. So it’s just past 4:30 am and I have an exam in about 3 and half hours, and I wish I could actually fall asleep and be prepared for that. But I can’t. I’m just sitting here with my thoughts about everything.

I have never been so far from home, and have never felt weirdly alone. Like I always lived in a place that had some sort of company, whether it was other people or a dog or something. Just anything that would let me have some sort of distraction, or just the comfort of knowing that there are other people in the vicinity. And right now, I kind of don’t – it’s just me. And I think that sort of hits hard this late at night when I can’t sleep – when I can’t exactly escape from the deeper things that may trouble me at night.

I think that I’ve lost the ability to feel certain emotions. Things that would usually make me happy don’t make me as happy as I would normally think they would. Things that would make me sad don’t make me as sad. And I don’t know what caused this. On the other hand, I find myself distancing myself from people whom I feel like I will get emotionally involved with. I think I have to attribute this to the harshness of my past relationship. There was so much negative emotion attached to something that I had so much positive emotion and outlook for.

The world crashed down on me when I was least expecting it to, and through that, I found myself not being able to trust it anymore. People around me are living their fantasy version of their relationships. Everyone is committed to someone and have been for a while – at least the people in my age group. I think that people are just in a rush to get that part of life over with. And that’s cool, I used to be that way. But now I’m not, maybe because I actually tried to follow through with one of those endeavors and it just sort of backfired on me. I am scarred, and I do so hope that is only temporarily.

My ability to be nice has sort of been diminished because I have become someone who I never thought I’d become. People tell me that I should just hook up or put myself out there, and honestly I cannot do that. I feel weird getting physically close to a girl because it just something that scares me. I do not want it to evolve into something greater that would then come back to hurt me. The thing is that I was emotionally invested in my last relationship that I didn’t really plan for it to go as south as it did. The way I loved that person was the purest form of love. I didn’t care about her superficial characteristics like what her job was or what she was getting her degree in, no – I cared about the fact that she loved me and I loved her. That was enough to make me go crazy for her.

And so I found that in love, there is also pain. In happiness there is also sadness. With the absence of the latter, the existence of the former cannot be appreciated. However, I do think that when those two things are tipped too much in favor of the negative side, it becomes a problem.

Such is the case with me and my emotions. I do not want to get close to people, namely females, even on just a physical level. I feel like I am different from those around me, and people’s goals and aspirations are different from mine. They all eventually want to meet Misses Right and go off and have that loving family in the future. I cannot envision that for myself – not anymore at least. I used to want to do everything with that special person, but now I just want to do everything for myself. I have become a very selfish person in that regard.

Do I think it is a bad type of selfishness though? I do not. In fact, I used to want to travel the world with the person I felt was special in my life. I wanted to share those experiences with someone who I felt would just enhance the whole thing. Now, all I want to do is experience for myself and only myself first. I want to experience things in an unadulterated and uninfluenced view. The thoughts and opinions that I form when I experience these things and my own, and no one else’s. I want to feel that level of identity within me because I did not have enough opportunities in my life to do that before.

When I left my parents place, I went from one cage to another. I was always bound by the expectations of one person or another. But not anymore, I feel that I am bound by no one and the world is at my disposal. I can do whatever it is that I want and no one can tell me no. It is certainly a great feeling, and it is one that I want to live out to its true potential. I do not want to regret the things that I was never able to do because of the constructs of my relationships with other people.

When I think of it like that, being alone isn’t so bad. It really is empowering for the time being because I feel like I had a sense of freedom that I feel some lose along the way. I am in a new city filled with new people and new experiences, and I really cannot wait to start exploring the cooler parts of it.

I know that this post is definitely sporadic as my mind cannot rest until I was able to get this out. I feel much better now and I think I’m much more relaxed so that I can sleep easier. Until next time.