Sometimes, I wonder if there is something that is inherently wrong with me. I don't know what it is about me that makes me want to push away from people when I feel like I'm getting close to them.
I have been in PA for the past several months now, and I can say that I have made some friends along the way. Most of them I have met at the local Starbucks, because I always go there. And all of them are very unique people with interests in many different things. And that's great - I love meeting new people.
The one thing I'm not good at is making those relationships last, however. For some reason, when I start to get close to someone, I find myself getting awkward and that inevitably pushes me away. I'll try and avoid interaction with them and make excuses as to why I am not interacting the way I used
I have been in PA for the past several months now, and I can say that I have made some friends along the way. Most of them I have met at the local Starbucks, because I always go there. And all of them are very unique people with interests in many different things. And that's great - I love meeting new people.
The one thing I'm not good at is making those relationships last, however. For some reason, when I start to get close to someone, I find myself getting awkward and that inevitably pushes me away. I'll try and avoid interaction with them and make excuses as to why I am not interacting the way I used
these things are absolutely necessary for me to feel better. I have to keep doing what I'm doing and just have hope that things will fall into place one day. I'll leave with a beautiful passage that my friend posted on Facebook the other day:
And she told me about a youth who had fallen in love with a planet. He stood by the sea, stretched out his arms and prayed to the planet, dreamed of it, and directed all his thoughts to it. But he knew, or felt he knew, that a star cannot be embraced by a human being. He considered it to be his fate to love a heavenly body without any hope of fulfillment and out of this insight he constructed an entire philosophy of renunciation and silent, faithful suffering that would improve and purify him. Yet all his dreams reached the planet. Once he stood again on the high cliff at night by the sea and gazed at the planet and burned with love for it. and at the height of his longing he leaped into the emptiness toward the planet, but at the instant of leaping "it's impossible" flashed once more through his mind. There he lay on the shore, shattered. He had not understood how to love. If at the instant of leaping he had had the strength of faith in the fulfillment of his love he would have soared into the heights and been united the star.
"Love must not entreat," she added, "or demand. Love must have the strength to become certain within itself. Then it ceases merely to be attracted and begins to attract... your love is attracted to me. Once it begins to attract me, I will come. I will not make a gift of myself, I must be won."
- Hermann Hesse, Demian
And she told me about a youth who had fallen in love with a planet. He stood by the sea, stretched out his arms and prayed to the planet, dreamed of it, and directed all his thoughts to it. But he knew, or felt he knew, that a star cannot be embraced by a human being. He considered it to be his fate to love a heavenly body without any hope of fulfillment and out of this insight he constructed an entire philosophy of renunciation and silent, faithful suffering that would improve and purify him. Yet all his dreams reached the planet. Once he stood again on the high cliff at night by the sea and gazed at the planet and burned with love for it. and at the height of his longing he leaped into the emptiness toward the planet, but at the instant of leaping "it's impossible" flashed once more through his mind. There he lay on the shore, shattered. He had not understood how to love. If at the instant of leaping he had had the strength of faith in the fulfillment of his love he would have soared into the heights and been united the star.
"Love must not entreat," she added, "or demand. Love must have the strength to become certain within itself. Then it ceases merely to be attracted and begins to attract... your love is attracted to me. Once it begins to attract me, I will come. I will not make a gift of myself, I must be won."
- Hermann Hesse, Demian
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