Alcohol. Again.

So, I don’t really know what to say. I just couldn’t sleep, and I feel bad for everything that just happened. I have struggled with the issue of alcohol for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know if there is any way to get rid of it. I honestly sit here in the dark and wonder, what is wrong with me? Why do I have to be this way? What made me this way? Was it the D.A.R.E classes? Was it my parents? Was it my childhood? I have no idea. I’m just gong to write everything that’s on my mind in a continuous stream of consciousness. So this may or may not make any sense. It’ll be interesting to look back on later.

There is something that I do pride myself in, and that’s my ability to be different from those around me. In many ways, I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere, and I am okay with that. I used to strive to be part of a group so bad, and that never ended up well. In the end, I found it easier to be by myself and enjoy the things that I enjoy, and not worry about anyone else. Since I got to Missouri, I’ve been given the opportunity to live the “college life,” to sort of make up for all the lost time that I wasted when I was an undergraduate.

Although I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes, I really resent the situations that I have come across in life. I resent the fact that I never got to go away for college because my parents wouldn’t sign my student loans, I resent the fact that I had to leave home and grow up and become an adult in under two weeks, I resent the fact that I wasted my time doing something I hated for so long and not fighting back. I resent so much of my past sometimes, that I just sit here right now with this bad taste in my mouth thinking about all the opportunities that I could have had, and all the ones the memories that I never made.

As I was saying before, I got to make up for some of that lost time when I came to St. Louis. I basically was around like-minded people around my age who I could become friends with a socialize. This opportunity has never really presented to me before, because even though I had friends when I was an undergrad, I was still very restricted with the things that I could do. And you know what, my parents are just human beings. I know in their minds, they weren’t intentionally trying to do anything wrong or bad – it just so happened that our viewpoints did not really intersect anywhere.

And now I am able to go out and have fun, and I still find myself never wanting to get close to alcohol. I just don’t know what it is. I can’t find myself wanting it. I don’t mind being around it, but even that has its limitations, some of which I have discovered recently. I don’t know where my sense of not wanting to drink comes from, but I just hate it. I hate the stuff. I really fucking do. I hate what it does to people. I hate when people drink too much of it. I hate it, just all of it. There are very few things that I hate in this world, and alcohol is one of them.

Maybe I paid too much attention in DARE. Maybe I actually cared what those police officers had to say. Maybe I actually paid attention in health class when they showed videos of victims of alcohol related incidents. Whatever it is, I still can’t pinpoint it. I still can’t seem to get over it, even if I want to. My beautiful girlfriend drinks on occasion, and for some godforsaken fucking reason, I really have issues with it. I wish I didn’t.

She looked at me today and broke down crying, while saying she was sorry that she was such a disappointment. That broke my heart. My own personal way of life just hurt someone else. My own way of thinking just reduced someone down to tears. And this isn’t just someone. This is a girl that I love. That I can see myself with for a long time into the future. This is the girl I never really thought I’d find, the girl that pulled me out and made me feel again.

I don’t know what to do when this happens. I just don’t. I don’t want to be rude to her, but she knows something is wrong. And she always presses me to tell her because she cares. And how can anyone blame her for that? She says she loves me, of course she is going to care. And I tell her. And I hate the words coming out of my mouth because I know they’re going to hurt her. And I don’t want to hurt her. She’s such a beautiful soul that brings so much happiness into my life. I wish I could just overlook this one fucking stupid ass thing that literally no one else on God’s green Earth has an issue with.

She’s sleeping right now, and I feel bad because I got up to write this. But I hope she knows how much I love her. When it all boils down, it doesn’t matter that she drinks. It really doesn’t. And logically, I know this. But when the situation presents itself to me, I fucking fail. Fucking FAIL. And it pisses me the fuck off that I can’t do anything about it. And I’m not about to tell her to stop drinking, because who the fuck am I to do that? It’s her life, and I don’t have a say in how she leads it.

Anyways, I’m kind of getting sleepy, and I do have to wake up early in the morning. I do feel a bit less anxious now, and I think I can get a better sleep, so I think I’ll do that.