I just wanted to write this because I've been really down about something that I did recently. It wasn't really okay, and it's also not fair to others. Last night I was at a party at my girlfriend's place, and she was drinking. I was not okay with it for some reason last night. This hasn't happened to me in years, and now for some reason, it is surfacing. I hate it. I couldn't stay the rest of the party, and I told her that I wasn't feeling well, and left. Truthfully, I really wasn't feeling well.
For some reason, last night when I was there, I got really fucked up inside. I was really anxious for some reason, and I just didn't want to be around it anymore. I don't know what it was because I don't have issues being around alcohol when I'm with friends and stuff. They all drink and have a good time, and I also have a good time without drinking. Last night it was not the case, I just got really uneasy and had to leave. I spoke to my best friend about it, and he really helped me talk through it. I decided that I needed to go back and talk to her, and so I did. She thought I went back to her place because I wanted to break up with her. That was not what I wanted.
I wanted her to know that I was sorry for what I did, and I explained to her that this issue exists within me. I was not going to tell her what to do, because it is her life, and besides, why the fuck would she listen to me? I'm not her dad or anything. In any case, I was honest about everything with her and told her what my issues were. I asked her to be cognizant of that, and that if I ever act weird like that again, that it was nothing against her, and she just needs to overlook it.
It is my sincere hope that I can stop being this way. But judging by how much control I had over it last night, it is very well possible that it will be an issue again. Truth be told, I'm nothing special in terms of a dude. I don't have some overall amazing quality that she would yearn over, or chase. I'm just some regular guy, with average looks and average everything else. Sure, I have motivation for days to do crazy things with my career and professional life, but that won't be the qualities that make someone stay. It's the love and care I provide at the end of the day that will make us last.
Literally every other guy on the planet won't have this issue. I hate that feeling. Like I'm going to lose her on account of something I could never fully get a handle over. I hate that I probably won't be good enough for her to stay one day, and I think she knows that too. And she's just being nice right now and staying with me. I can tell that she was really unhappy last night, aside from her crying, I could tell she was really hurt. And I hate that I hurt her.
What do I do? I ask you, the reader that doesn't exist, how the heck do I help myself here? I love her so much, and it would suck to lose her. I desperately want to fucking relax and just let things be. Things are going to never change because everyone in the world drinks. I don't know any girl that doesn't. And that's the world I live in. Sometimes, I feel really alone, and maybe that's what happened last night, and I used to think that maybe one day I'll run into someone that doesn't drink and is sane. I don't think it works like that honestly. I've accepted it. I need to accept that alcohol isn't bad. Maybe the way to doing that is to start drinking. But that just seems so far from who I am. I don't know.
In any case, I feel better. This is therapeutic. And I know my grammar and shit sucks. But I don't care. This is just a constant stream of thoughts that doesn't have to make sense. Till next time. Such is life.
For some reason, last night when I was there, I got really fucked up inside. I was really anxious for some reason, and I just didn't want to be around it anymore. I don't know what it was because I don't have issues being around alcohol when I'm with friends and stuff. They all drink and have a good time, and I also have a good time without drinking. Last night it was not the case, I just got really uneasy and had to leave. I spoke to my best friend about it, and he really helped me talk through it. I decided that I needed to go back and talk to her, and so I did. She thought I went back to her place because I wanted to break up with her. That was not what I wanted.
I wanted her to know that I was sorry for what I did, and I explained to her that this issue exists within me. I was not going to tell her what to do, because it is her life, and besides, why the fuck would she listen to me? I'm not her dad or anything. In any case, I was honest about everything with her and told her what my issues were. I asked her to be cognizant of that, and that if I ever act weird like that again, that it was nothing against her, and she just needs to overlook it.
It is my sincere hope that I can stop being this way. But judging by how much control I had over it last night, it is very well possible that it will be an issue again. Truth be told, I'm nothing special in terms of a dude. I don't have some overall amazing quality that she would yearn over, or chase. I'm just some regular guy, with average looks and average everything else. Sure, I have motivation for days to do crazy things with my career and professional life, but that won't be the qualities that make someone stay. It's the love and care I provide at the end of the day that will make us last.
Literally every other guy on the planet won't have this issue. I hate that feeling. Like I'm going to lose her on account of something I could never fully get a handle over. I hate that I probably won't be good enough for her to stay one day, and I think she knows that too. And she's just being nice right now and staying with me. I can tell that she was really unhappy last night, aside from her crying, I could tell she was really hurt. And I hate that I hurt her.
What do I do? I ask you, the reader that doesn't exist, how the heck do I help myself here? I love her so much, and it would suck to lose her. I desperately want to fucking relax and just let things be. Things are going to never change because everyone in the world drinks. I don't know any girl that doesn't. And that's the world I live in. Sometimes, I feel really alone, and maybe that's what happened last night, and I used to think that maybe one day I'll run into someone that doesn't drink and is sane. I don't think it works like that honestly. I've accepted it. I need to accept that alcohol isn't bad. Maybe the way to doing that is to start drinking. But that just seems so far from who I am. I don't know.
In any case, I feel better. This is therapeutic. And I know my grammar and shit sucks. But I don't care. This is just a constant stream of thoughts that doesn't have to make sense. Till next time. Such is life.
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