There's something weird about this whole week that's been getting me down. I just feel so alone. I haven't felt like this in years, since before I joined Merck and started up my own life.
I talk less to the people I love, and a function of that is that we're all busy doing our own things. And I let that get to me sometimes. Whether it's my parents or Bianca, it's almost as if I don't cross their mind, or I'm not a priority. And maybe that's some insecurity I have, and my fear of losing what I want to stay the same most in my life. In reality it's not their fault, they just have stuff to do.
But maybe it's time for some venting so I can read through it and figure out if I'm being rational or not.
I drove 18 hours round trip to see her for less than that amount of time. And she didn't come to see me this week - even though she has amassed vacation time and three days off in a row. I didn't even have that - I drove after I worked on Friday having woken up at 4:30 in the goddamn morning to make a call at 5 am. And arrived back in Cleveland at 3 am to work at 7 am the next day. She said we'd be together this year, after having been apart since she was in Vegas last year. I drove the same amount of time to see my parents, and they wouldn't say happy birthday until I called them that night. The people who say they love me, I have this tendency to expect a base level of compassion and outreach. I feel like I was let down somewhat in those senses. Maybe that's my fault for feeling that. Maybe I shouldn't expect things out of anyone, like I used to. But it's hard not to when you love them, as I said.
Do I really make more sacrifices than I should? I've asked myself this question recently, and a part of me thinks that yes I do. I drink on occasion so I can stop feeling the way I used to. Has it worked? Maybe a little, but I'm better at not opening my mouth about it. I paid for my parents' car for the better part of a year, and my dad said "Oh you mean those tiny 3 payments you made?" Yeah more like 8, and the money difference is about 3 fucking thousand dollars. Did I give you $10k last year out of my own damn bank account because you were in deep water? Yes I fucking did. And the other part of me feels guilty for thinking those are sacrifices, as these are people you say you love. And when you love someone, you do what you think is best for them. And it's a jumble of those two sides of me that keep fighting each other.
Work hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I'm not one to fail at something I have my heart set on. I thought I was really going into the job that I truly wanted, and it hasn't exactly spanned out as such. I've had my ego hit, and hit hard. Whether that means my heart wasn't set on it, or that I shouldn't be in this space, I don't know. I just know I'm really disappointed in myself.
I'm tending to hide my feelings more. When my mom asks me how things are going, I say they're great. If Bianca asks me if I'm upset, I say I'm not. Truth be told, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not upset, I'm just very secluded. I always tell not people not to bottle up their emotions, but I guess I feel like if people are busy with their lives, I don't need to interject them with those negative thoughts and take up their time.
It hurts. All of it hurts.
I can't sleep. This has been itching at the back of my mind all day. I thought seeing a movie by myself could remind me that being yourself in Cleveland isn't so bad, but it didn't.
---
I really hate that I'm messed up about this. I'm not a fucking emotional person, and usually have a handle on things - I feel so fucking weak and fragile, and so stupid. Man the fucking fuck up, Syed. Like this is pussy shit compared to fucking being told you're not your dad's son, and being kicked out of your own house, and skipping meals to save money. Why the hell are you focusing on the bad shit? Nothing will be perfect in this world. As the saying goes, even paradise can feel like prison if you take the time to notice the walls.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to focus on the good things tomorrow. If a bad thoughts creeps into my mind, and I'm not around anyone, I'm going to just yell it out of my head. I hate feeling like this, because really, it is me being irrational and nobody else's fault.
And yeah, getting that out made me feel better.
I talk less to the people I love, and a function of that is that we're all busy doing our own things. And I let that get to me sometimes. Whether it's my parents or Bianca, it's almost as if I don't cross their mind, or I'm not a priority. And maybe that's some insecurity I have, and my fear of losing what I want to stay the same most in my life. In reality it's not their fault, they just have stuff to do.
But maybe it's time for some venting so I can read through it and figure out if I'm being rational or not.
I drove 18 hours round trip to see her for less than that amount of time. And she didn't come to see me this week - even though she has amassed vacation time and three days off in a row. I didn't even have that - I drove after I worked on Friday having woken up at 4:30 in the goddamn morning to make a call at 5 am. And arrived back in Cleveland at 3 am to work at 7 am the next day. She said we'd be together this year, after having been apart since she was in Vegas last year. I drove the same amount of time to see my parents, and they wouldn't say happy birthday until I called them that night. The people who say they love me, I have this tendency to expect a base level of compassion and outreach. I feel like I was let down somewhat in those senses. Maybe that's my fault for feeling that. Maybe I shouldn't expect things out of anyone, like I used to. But it's hard not to when you love them, as I said.
Do I really make more sacrifices than I should? I've asked myself this question recently, and a part of me thinks that yes I do. I drink on occasion so I can stop feeling the way I used to. Has it worked? Maybe a little, but I'm better at not opening my mouth about it. I paid for my parents' car for the better part of a year, and my dad said "Oh you mean those tiny 3 payments you made?" Yeah more like 8, and the money difference is about 3 fucking thousand dollars. Did I give you $10k last year out of my own damn bank account because you were in deep water? Yes I fucking did. And the other part of me feels guilty for thinking those are sacrifices, as these are people you say you love. And when you love someone, you do what you think is best for them. And it's a jumble of those two sides of me that keep fighting each other.
Work hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I'm not one to fail at something I have my heart set on. I thought I was really going into the job that I truly wanted, and it hasn't exactly spanned out as such. I've had my ego hit, and hit hard. Whether that means my heart wasn't set on it, or that I shouldn't be in this space, I don't know. I just know I'm really disappointed in myself.
I'm tending to hide my feelings more. When my mom asks me how things are going, I say they're great. If Bianca asks me if I'm upset, I say I'm not. Truth be told, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not upset, I'm just very secluded. I always tell not people not to bottle up their emotions, but I guess I feel like if people are busy with their lives, I don't need to interject them with those negative thoughts and take up their time.
It hurts. All of it hurts.
I can't sleep. This has been itching at the back of my mind all day. I thought seeing a movie by myself could remind me that being yourself in Cleveland isn't so bad, but it didn't.
---
I really hate that I'm messed up about this. I'm not a fucking emotional person, and usually have a handle on things - I feel so fucking weak and fragile, and so stupid. Man the fucking fuck up, Syed. Like this is pussy shit compared to fucking being told you're not your dad's son, and being kicked out of your own house, and skipping meals to save money. Why the hell are you focusing on the bad shit? Nothing will be perfect in this world. As the saying goes, even paradise can feel like prison if you take the time to notice the walls.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to focus on the good things tomorrow. If a bad thoughts creeps into my mind, and I'm not around anyone, I'm going to just yell it out of my head. I hate feeling like this, because really, it is me being irrational and nobody else's fault.
And yeah, getting that out made me feel better.
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