This Too Will Pass

I think I have to keep telling myself that this will be the hardest it will ever be. From this point, it should get easier and easier with time. 

Time is the word that everyone throws at you. It's the word that you throw at yourself. It's the word that you so greatly wished would hurry itself up. 

I'm trying not to fall back into my old ways of keeping things inside and dealing with it on my own. I'm letting it out to those that care enough to listen. When looking back at some of the stuff that I wrote, I realized that I saw my meltdown coming weeks before it actually did. I had become accustomed to handling everything on my own, and eventually I just couldn’t. I don’t want to make this same mistake again.

One thing that someone said today was that I had just gone through a couple life dampening events. Whenever you ask someone about the things that stress them out the most, the answer almost always includes relationships, work and money. 

I had just gone through a turbulent time at work, and there was a lot of uncertainty around it. And not even barely coming out of that, Bianca decides she doesn't want to continue our relationship. And that's what I'm fighting with in my head right now. It stings worse because of what had just happened, but life knows no mercy, and when bad things happen, they happen all at once.

It sucks every day, but I have to keep telling myself that things will get better. There will be a day when I look at her pictures and feel nothing. There will be a day when I can listen to Roses and not have to skip it.

There is an equation in life that constantly applies itself in situations: E + R = O; events + reaction = outcome. Basically the premise is that certain events will happen, and your reaction to that event will influence the outcome. In that whole equation, there is only one thing that you can control 100%, and it is your reaction; you can’t control the events, they are out of your hands, but by controlling your reaction, you are somewhat influencing the outcome. I’m trying to react positively in any way that I can. Whether I think about the bad stuff in the relationship, or how I changed for the negative as a result, I'm trying to figure out why this is a better situation for me. This wasn’t the intention of the post, but maybe I’ll reflect on a few positive and negative things of the relationship.

Positive:

-         The relationship proved I can have a normal relationship with someone, where yelling and abuse are not a thing. There can be logical and civil discussions when disagreements arise, and we can come to some sort of compromise on most things.

-         I learned that I can be honest about my relationship to my parents, and that I have the power to fight them back when they do not agree. There was a lot of this in the background, and I never fully told her the messy details because they were not something I wanted her to hear. However, I felt like we were making progress towards the end. This also has some negatives in the next section.

-         I pulled out of a few stocks just before they went down because I’m going to be funding some travel on my own to remind myself the world isn’t actually a shitty place, and sometimes is just filled with bad situations. Also, that ring fund I started will go towards this. 

-         I learned I can’t bottle things up anymore, as it can hurt something you hold dear to yourself. I did that and it blew up in my face.

-         I got Oliver, and honestly maybe this was why I had to be in this relationship. I felt like I had lost a part of me when I lost my dog in my last relationship. Maybe she was put in my life, so I can get that part of me back somehow.

Negative:

-         I had just played such a tough card to my parents. I fought hard for her, and they were just coming around to the idea of it, which is huge for them and me. We would stop our arguments and they would constructively ask about my plans with her and I’d tell them. Having fought so hard and seeing it amount to nothing…that hurts, and damages any and all rapport I had built with them, and essentially have to start from square 1 again. I have not told them what happened, because I know they will not be supportive whatsoever, and will just say things like “I told you.”

-         I think I became a more mean person because of the relationship, and her reaction to certain things. One time, a girl said that she looks like she’s in a chemistry class, and it pissed Bianca off to the point where she starts insulting the girl. I was like, wait why are you so mad about that? That’s not a big deal. She said you look smart. And I remember thinking that it was strange. But you know something, I started doing something similar with people, and I didn’t like that about myself. That’s coming more to light right now as I think back on the relationship and it’s like, did she actually bring out the best in you? I don’t think so.

-         She broke up with me…after milking me for the entire weekend. I paid for everything that weekend, and then she lays the bomb on me that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I pay to make MORE MEMORIES, and she’s like nah just kidding, I don’t want to do this anymore. Thanks for all the food and free parking. Peace. That’s so fucking shitty and selfish.

-         She never wanted to split the costs of food when we went out or anything. Most people I talk to that are in multi-year relationships have some sort of split. Doesn’t have to be 50/50, but it can be 70/30, or 80/20 with bias towards the guy. Helping out sometimes would have been nice. When I actually brought it up to her, she was really pissed about it. I spent $400 to $500 all said and done every time we would hang out. That’s so much money that I sometimes had to struggle to meet.

-         She didn’t show up for my birthday, and went out with her friends at home. She had the weekend off, and just didn’t think to come and visit her boyfriend, who lives in Cleveland by himself and has no one else, for his birthday. Like that’s so not okay. That really, really hurts and was a big contributing factor to why I lost it around that time. I don’t care about gifts, or money…just be there for me, and make an effort a couple times in a year when it matters. She didn’t buy me a birthday gift last year, and I never said anything because she made an effort after she got back from Vegas. That made me happy enough.

-         She also didn’t know our anniversary. Like there was a clear disconnect between us when it came to valuing the relationship.

Undecided:

-         I changed a fundamental part of who I am to make things work with her. I started to drink so that I would stop arguing with her about alcohol. By the end of our relationship, the feeling was almost gone, and I thought that with more time it would go away completely. The reason I’m undecided is because I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. On the positive front, changing something about myself for her, which is something I did for no one in life no matter what they meant to me, it showed my devotion to her and our relationship. I didn’t want it to end and thought that in order to come to some sort of compromise, something had to change, and that was me. What did I know that 99% of people didn’t? Probably nothing, so I was probably wrong, and decided I’d try it out. Why was it negative? Because I was proud of that quality of myself, that I didn’t have to succumb to peer pressure to enjoy life and didn’t need help to laugh and smile. I had sober fun wherever I went, something most people aren’t capable of, or simply just don’t do. I broke that quality for the sake of our relationship, and now it amounted to nothing again. That really, really sucks to think about. Going forward, I don’t know where my stance is on this.

Hmm, interesting that there are much more details on the bad stuff of our relationship than the good. But you know, the good stuff is easy to explain, and the bad stuff are the ones we continue to rationalize and explain in our head, and it sucks and hurts and makes no sense, just like it is now. There was a lot of good stuff in the relationship, the list is too long to list out, but not without a few bad things. 

After looking back on all the effort, time, money and emotional investment I put in for this relationship, the battles I fought for her, the many times I picked apart my brain trying to rationalize drinking...for her to just discount all of that, and completely not care...frankly I deserve better. I went above and beyond for her, to a degree that was probably too much given the almost 2 years we had known each other. I sent her mom flowers on Mother's Day, and her dad coffee, and helped her brother with his homework, and sent her random flowers, and bought her whole floor food during Nurse's Appreciation Week, and on and on and on... What the fuck was I fucking thinking? Maybe that I loved her to her core, and that if I took an active part in her life, and tried to make things work, they would. 

Maybe some day, someone will appreciate all of that. I may not be perfect, but I'm not a bad guy, and I know what this relationship meant to me, and it's obvious it didn't mean as much to her. Breaking up wasn't an option in my head, it was working it out whether it was figuring out distance or my family or whatever. It wasn't true for her, it just wasn't. 

As time goes on, this too will heal. I know I’ll fall deep into the pits sometimes like I am today and need to allocate work time to doing something like this. But eventually it’ll be okay, and I’ll be okay, and I’ll be cruising around in my McLaren thinking about the life I have built and how I’m a better person because I went through the pain I’m going through right now. That’s the hope at least.