It's been over a year since we broke up, almost a year and half, and I still think about her at least once a day. I don't get it. Why does she always pop up in my thoughts? I think a part of me wishes we were at least on friendly terms. A relationship is obviously out of the picture, but for some reason I want to text her sometimes and ask her about her life and tell her about mine. In fact, the other day I wrote out a text to her saying everything I was feeling...and just never sent it. Pictured her going "ew" after receiving it, and I reconsidered it. I don't even have her number saved in my phone, but I have it memorized.
When I found out about San Francisco, I don't know why the fuck my first thought was to be like oh I wanna tell her about this. Share some good life news with her just to share my happiness with someone else. I need to detach myself from those thoughts, but I just can't despite how incredibly grateful I am for everything else in my life. Sometimes, like now, it feels like there is something missing, and maybe it's just the idea of having someone there. And the only person I can associate that feeling with right now is her. That might explain it.
I'm sure she is happy with her life, and I am happy with mine, but I can't help but to wonder if she sometimes thinks of me this way. If she sometimes wishes things were a little different. All evidence points to no, but a part of me hopes that she does. Honestly, she may have found someone else anyway, at which point I probably don't cross her mind often if at all, and that's fine since I want her to be happy. But then again, she's a pretty cold person when she wants to be, so that might also be another reason she doesn't. Or she stopped loving me a while before we broke up. Or it's just been a long time and she's over it. Either way, it's just water under the bridge.
I think back to when I texted her drunk off my ass one night, back when I still lived in Cleveland, and told her I missed her, and she said that she sometimes misses me too, but doesn't after she thinks about what I did. And I often wonder myself - what would have happened if I didn't mess things up. Where would we be? Would we still be together? What would our lives have looked like? Would we be happy? Answer is that I don't know, and never will, but a number of scenarios always play out in my head. I think back to that moment a lot, how I kept looking at my phone hoping she'd text me saying that she wants try to and work things out. But it never came.
We never really spoke again after that.
My parents recently brought her up in conversation randomly, and asked me if I still spoke to her. When I said I didn't, they said they thought that she was a nice girl, and it's a shame that it didn't work out. I agreed with them. Not sure where that came from, because they never say things like that, but it was nice to hear them being more open to my choices in women.
Not sure what the future holds for me. NYC was a fun place to date, but never anything deeper than surface level. San Francisco is probably going to be worse, and I predict that I'll think about her a lot when I'm there. It is what it is, and I can't really do anything about it until time heals that wound, and I can move forth. This is taking longer than I expected though.
It's been a while since I wrote a vent post, but this was bugging me for a while. I figured I shouldn't ignore it and just get it out there, and maybe that'll help the process along.
When I found out about San Francisco, I don't know why the fuck my first thought was to be like oh I wanna tell her about this. Share some good life news with her just to share my happiness with someone else. I need to detach myself from those thoughts, but I just can't despite how incredibly grateful I am for everything else in my life. Sometimes, like now, it feels like there is something missing, and maybe it's just the idea of having someone there. And the only person I can associate that feeling with right now is her. That might explain it.
I'm sure she is happy with her life, and I am happy with mine, but I can't help but to wonder if she sometimes thinks of me this way. If she sometimes wishes things were a little different. All evidence points to no, but a part of me hopes that she does. Honestly, she may have found someone else anyway, at which point I probably don't cross her mind often if at all, and that's fine since I want her to be happy. But then again, she's a pretty cold person when she wants to be, so that might also be another reason she doesn't. Or she stopped loving me a while before we broke up. Or it's just been a long time and she's over it. Either way, it's just water under the bridge.
I think back to when I texted her drunk off my ass one night, back when I still lived in Cleveland, and told her I missed her, and she said that she sometimes misses me too, but doesn't after she thinks about what I did. And I often wonder myself - what would have happened if I didn't mess things up. Where would we be? Would we still be together? What would our lives have looked like? Would we be happy? Answer is that I don't know, and never will, but a number of scenarios always play out in my head. I think back to that moment a lot, how I kept looking at my phone hoping she'd text me saying that she wants try to and work things out. But it never came.
We never really spoke again after that.
My parents recently brought her up in conversation randomly, and asked me if I still spoke to her. When I said I didn't, they said they thought that she was a nice girl, and it's a shame that it didn't work out. I agreed with them. Not sure where that came from, because they never say things like that, but it was nice to hear them being more open to my choices in women.
Not sure what the future holds for me. NYC was a fun place to date, but never anything deeper than surface level. San Francisco is probably going to be worse, and I predict that I'll think about her a lot when I'm there. It is what it is, and I can't really do anything about it until time heals that wound, and I can move forth. This is taking longer than I expected though.
It's been a while since I wrote a vent post, but this was bugging me for a while. I figured I shouldn't ignore it and just get it out there, and maybe that'll help the process along.
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